Recently, I was listening to Canadian funnyman Russell Peters doing his stand-up show. Russell is of Indian origin and he was making fun of his father saying, ‘Indian men should not be gay!’ after catching a glimpse of some Indian guys in a gay pride parade. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24Ryj1ywoqw)

 

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that Russell’s dad was right. Somehow, it’s all right for Elton John and your local hairdresser to be gay, but for other folks… well, it’s just plain wrong.

 

Here is my list of people who should NOT be gay: 

 

1 Cowboys 

Cowboys should not be gay. I can’t tell you how horrified I was when Brokeback Mountain came to my local cinema. Why oh why did it have to be about cowboys? I mean they could have made a show about gay waiters, gay taxi drivers, gay singers … but cowboys?  Notice how nobody has made another cowboy movie since BM came out; they ruined it for all of us.

It’s just a good thing John Wayne wasn’t alive to see it. Rest in peace John. Cowboys should NOT be gay. 

 

2 Gangsters should NOT be gay 

Recently, I learned that Marlon Brando was gay (or bisexual). I mean, this is the Godfather we’re talking about here. After this coming to light, they may have to rename it ‘The Fairy Godfather’. 

And James Dean was gay, too. But at least he wasn’t Italian and gay. Mafiosi should NOT be gay. 

 

3 Country singers should NOT be gay 

Fortunately, none of them are, although there are rumors about Kenny Chesney… 

 

4 Heavy metal singers should NOT be gay 

Rob Halford of Judas Priest is openly gay. C’mon Rob, you can’t be a gay heavy metal band member. What are you thinking of? 

And Mick Jagger should NOT be gay. But it’s okay for David Bowie to be. 

 

5 Fundamentalist preachers should NOT be gay 

Mainly they shouldn’t be gay because they spend so much of their time telling everybody else not to be gay. 

So Ted Haggard, you should NOT be hanging out with gay prostitutes and doing meth! 

 

6 Dolphins should NOT be gay 

Yes, I recently came to understand that male dolphins engage in homosexual activites. The first thing that popped into my head was, ‘Flipper! What have you done?!’ 

Dolphins should NOT be gay. And that goes for other cool animals like lions and crocodiles. And meerkats. 

 

7 Pro wrestlers should NOT be gay. 

Wrestler Chris Kanyon came out of the closet after years of involvement in ‘sports entertainment’ as a professional wrestler. Um, it’s bad enough that wrestlers roll around in tight, sweaty clinches wearing nothing but underwear, but do they have to be gay as well. Please spare us! 

Pro Wresters should NOT be gay. 

 

8 Founding fathers should NOT be gay 

Someone brought it to my attention that George Washington was suspected of being gay. Aaaargh! Not you too, George? It’s hard to imagine that our first president was gay. 

So founding fathers and presidents in general should NOT be gay. And also people named George, but not Boy George.

 

Now, that’s my list of people who should not be gay. Just in case anyone accuses me of being a homophobe, I’d like to point out that anyone not on this list is quite welcome to be gay as far as I’m concerned. That means hairdressers, singers (apart from country and heavy metal), writers, interior designers or whatever. All I’m asking is that people who fall into the above categories should really try their best NOT to be gay.